Self Compassion Journal Entry

Jan 27, 2020 

Lay on the earth. Look up at the sky. Sink into contemplative thought.

Oh, how far I wandered. Not all at once, no. In quite small but consistent steps. Some years, the really busy and chaotic ones, I wandered far. Others, I didn’t log as many steps away from myself but I didn’t head back home towards truth and self love either. I just waded in the abyss. It was easy to numb out – life’s inertia already in motion. It pulled me along a road named Highly Unaware.

But then outside forces stepped in. They began to reflect back to me. I could no longer continue to dishonour my heart. To wander, make choices, day-to-day that didn’t serve my highest good began to feel deeply wrong. They lingered, always, and I began to feel quite heavy. It was clear, mostly when I woke in the middle of the night, that change needed to happen if I was to feel happy and healthy.

I collapse a much longer story here for this moment so I can share that Self Compassion, she sat with me beginning at this time. In those dark, early days when my awareness was waking up. It didn’t rise from slumber slowly. Awareness woke with a jolt and took off running. Internally it felt confusing and dark and heavy and polluted. Outside it seemed life was either teasing me with beauty I couldn’t find the energy or skill to enjoy or delivering me dark truths that I would, many days, wish could remain buried.

But Self Compassion, she sat with me. She acknowledged it was hard but also assured me I could do hard things. She also reminded me that I’m not alone – to be human is to suffer at times – this we share with all those around us. She brought a beautiful, smart, grounded and fiercely honest community of souls to me to help me navigate this time. And most of all, and everyday, she holds me in the presence of my journey – for happy moments and difficult – and together we process how I’m feeling. No more numbing. No more spiraling down uncontrollably. Minimal self judgement.

My job today, and everyday, is merely to open the door of my heart and let her in.